A Christmas of Firsts

It’s Sunday, December 7, 2014.  This morning my house is a bustle with children playing and decorating our Christmas tree. In just a few hours we’ll all be setting up for church.

Today marks the beginning of the Christmas season for Grace Collective Church.  Our almost four month old church is gathering for worship in the early evening for the next three weeks.

I’ve spent the morning studying my sermon notes, quadruple checking all the technical preparations and packing my Ford Explorer to the brim with all the bins of “church stuff.” Now here I sit thinking.

My heart and mind are flooded with the thoughts of each family and person that has begun attending GCC. I’ve been in a “pastoral” role for almost twenty years. This year however, I’m “the” pastor. Each day seems to bring a new insight or fear as I grow into my new title.

I pray for people in a different way now. I worry about them late at night. I wonder if they know how much I care about them, their health, their happiness, their families and their walk with God. I worry that I’m not strong enough, smart enough, compassionate enough or kind enough to lead them well.

Now, as we embark on our first Christmas season as a church, I think back on all the wonderful years the churches I’ve been a part of have enhanced my enjoyment of the “most wonderful time of the year.”

Will Grace Collective Church do that for this family of faith? Will God choose to bless the work of our hands? Will my decisions help guide people to a greater understanding of Christ and all He’s done for them?

Will anyone even show up for service?

This is most assuredly a Christmas of firsts. I pray that years from now I will look back with a great appreciation and thankfulness for what God has done from our humble beginnings.

For now I’ll simply choose to trust that God has ordained all of this and enjoy the ride as long as it lasts.

Merry Christmas Grace Collective Church. To be your pastor is one of the greatest blessings of my life.

I love you all.

What’s Underneath

It finally hit me.  A man I didn’t know, who had an influence on my life that I wasn’t fully aware of, died.  Sometimes the process of understanding or self-realization takes a little while. 

Today I watched a tribute to the many voices of Robin Williams.  I watched with my young daughters; ages ten and eight years old respectively.  They knew him as Genie, I knew him as Mr. Keating, Peter, Jack, Mrs. Doubtfire, Patch, Mork, Lovelace, Teddy Roosevelt and Sean.

As I explained to my ten year old daughter the tragic conclusion of this gifted man’s life, she simply asked me, “Why?” 

“I don’t know,” I explained.  “None of us do, and we never will.”

It was in those brief moments that a thought unveiled itself and terrified me to the point of tears.  

It seems that more often than not, we are caught completely off guard by suicide.  Even in cases in which we knew very little or had no contact at all with the individual.  “We just don’t know what the people in our lives are going through,” I further explained to my young innocent child.  

We can’t know what every person is walking through.  Especially when we don’t even know what’s underneath our own understanding of who we are.  And there it is.  The almost paralyzing realization that there are issues lurking underneath my “calm, collected” facade that even I am unaware exist.

As I continue to walk down the path God has for me, I will encounter challenges and circumstances that I have never faced.  In those moments of stress, strain and difficulty, there is a potential to unearth issues, emotions or scars that have been dormant my entire life.  Planting a church, raising children, marriage and friendships all have the potential to dig up these unknown areas of my heart and life.

I can’t say I’ve ever struggled with depression.  I’ve had a couple anxiety attacks over the years and even had two seasons of what some might call feeling depressed.  I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to confess having depression.  My experiences just don’t seem to line up with what I’ve read on the subject.  But I do now recognize that I don’t fully know what’s underneath.

You don’t either.  Neither does your spouse or your children.  Your student, teacher, coach, pastor, neighbor or friend.  We can’t know.  In light of this knowledge of the unknowable, we should take great care to extend the grace and mercy that our Creator has extended to us.

He does know.  It moved Him to action.  He saw our sin; our layer cake of dysfunction and sent His Son to intervene.  He knows what’s truly underneath and He loves us all the more.

Circles Are Better Than Rows

Read the quotes below.

• Networks are large and anonymous: Communities are small and intimate.
• Networks are artificial, top-down: Communities are organic, bottom up.
• Networks encourage passivity and consumption: Communities require action and contribution.
• Networks can be location independent: Communities are attached to a place.
• Networks divide a person into parts: Communities nurture the whole person.

I bet you think the quotes above came from some book about ministry, or a blog on small groups.  You’d be wrong.  I follow a blog called “The Art of Manliness“.  I was first made aware of this site because of my affinity to old school shaving techniques.  What I read today was astonishing.

Our culture is drawn to low-commitment, minimal cost, artificial relationship.  We’re drawn to those things because they’re easy and rarely endanger our fragile egos.  We don’t like putting ourselves on the line.  We don’t like depending on others, and we especially don’t like others depending on us.  That is not how we were designed to live.  Even a blog without any spiritual intent confirms this truth.

Here are some helpful questions to determine if you’re in a network or an actual community:

• Do the rules, regulations, and culture of my group come from top leaders that I have never met personally, or do they originate from the group itself?
• Do I know the names of every person in my group and interact with them face-to-face?
• Does my group have a physical meeting place?
• If I left the group, would anyone know I was gone? Would there be any repercussions for doing so?
• If I got sick, or needed a favor, how many members of my group could I count on for visits and assistance?
• Am I required to contribute to the communal pot, or can I utilize the benefits of the group without making any contributions beyond dues/fees/taxes?

I’ve been a part of many networks and only a handful of communities.  One of the most frustrating situations is to be a person or one of a few persons who desire community inside a network.  This happens a lot.  Pete Wilson once said “Community without honesty is just artificial harmony.”  So what do you do about it?  How do you create authentic community?

Ultimately it requires a conscience effort from everyone involved; a willingness to be vulnerable and a willingness to patiently walk with others in their vulnerability.  But here are some tips and suggestions from The Art of Manliness.

Learning to Live in Community Again:

• Shoot for small
• Break larger groups into smaller ones
• Create your own tribes
• Get involved
• Meet physically
• Share your whole self
• Be prepared to sacrifice
• Live by family
• Don’t move very frequently

I’m very thankful for the people who are willing to stand with me in the midst of my crisis and are there to celebrate the joys of my life.  My hope is that each of you reading this blog will find true community.  When it comes to church, it’s far to easy to belong to a network of people who sit in rows together each week.  If you want to truly experience all that God intended the church to be you need to find a circle of community.  It’s like Andy Stanley says, “Circles are better than rows.”

Seeing Without Breathing

There is a lot going on in my life these days.  Like anyone else in a challenging season of life, I have days in which I find it easy to trust God and days filled with worry and anxiety.  Music has always been a big part of my life and serves as a great tool in my relationship with God.  Lately one particular song has served as somewhat of a theme song for me.

HIllsong’s “Oceans” is a popular song choice for most worship leaders right now.  Many times songs like these become “white noise” for me.  Despite the powerful lyrics or pleasant composition of medley, I tend to be fickle when it comes to my choice of music.  However, “Oceans” has become a song that breaks through my finicky preferences.  It has become more than just a song; it has become a prayer in my heart.

“And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine”

I can’t stop reflecting on that lyric. “And keep my eyes above the waves”  I imagine being in the water waiting on instruction from Jesus.  If just my eyes are above the waves that means my mouth and nose are beneath the surface of the water.  I’m able to see but unable to breathe.

That’s exactly how I feel in this season.  I can see what God is doing and I know that He is faithful. But the burning fear and pressure builds with every passing hour.  I can almost hear Him whispering, “I’m here; I know what I’m doing; I’ve got you.”  So I continue to tread water keeping my eyes fixed on Him.  Seeing without breathing, I experience a deeper more intimate level of what it means to trust my God.  And one day when He resolves this season of waiting, I will once again pray…

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

 

Cleaning Out the Gunk

Through several conversations in the last week, God has been gently nudging me to take notice of something in my life.  The "lightbulb" moment came while I was at a recent concert. 

Anita and I went with some friends to Columbia to see Steven Curtis Chapman in concert with Laura Story and Jason Gray.  Since a young age I've been a big fan of Steven Curtis Chapman.  It seems like God uses Steven's music at critical times in my life.  That proved to be true once again last Friday evening.  

I knew that there would be some tear-jerking moments during the night.  That's just a given.  What I didn't expect was to quietly sob throughout the entire night.  Each song seemed to speak to an area God had been pressing in on recently.  Finally the fog in my heart and mind began to clear and I understood some of what God was leading me to see.  I pulled out my phone and jotted down some thoughts.  

Lessons Learned This Week:

– I'm a lot more broken than I realize.

– I have a lot more healing to do than I realize.

– I haven't been very joyful for a long time.

– I've been "having to" do my job instead of "getting to."

Those are just some of the things I'm begining to recognize in my life.  While explaining this to Anita, I likened it to the build up in an artery or plumbing.  We usually don't notice the build up until there are some major problems.  If we're lucky, someone brings the gunk to our attention before that happens.  Such is the case for me.  Through two conversations last week, God began the process of cleaning out the gunk in my heart.  

The last six years have been emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging.  Even the last year has had it's fair share of pain.  I haven't been honest with myself about the toll these years have had on me.  My desire now is to allow God to continue His cleansing, healing work in my heart and life.  I want to fully embrace the season He has me and the place He's called me to serve.  I want to do this with a thankful and joyful heart.  I'm praying that God will restore to me the joy of His salvation.  I'm praying that God's consolation will cheer my soul.

I'm grateful that "nothing is wasted." 

I'm thankful that "blessings come through rain drops."

And that God has promised to "finish what He started."

“It’s Only Student Ministry”

Recently I was trading church stories with someone who also works in the church world.  I was sharing my shock when a church chose to hire me as a weekly communicator in a large ministry without ever once hearing me preach.

His response….

"It's only Student Ministry."

I know the heart of this individual so I wasn't dreadfully offended.  However, I believe there is a critical issue here that not a lot of church leadership wants to admit exists. 

I've been "in ministry" for around seventeen years.  The majority of that has been spent in Student Ministry.  As the years have gone by, God has burdened my heart to serve the overall church.  The importance of Student Ministry has not changed for me at all.

The issue is that for many church leaders, pastors, elders, Student Ministry is merely a support ministry.  Not that they don't care about students, but when it comes down to it, they don't view Student Ministry as a vital area of ministry.  There are many churches and leaders who do feel the importance of Student Ministry but for the vast majority of church leaders "it's just Student Ministry."

If students feel like an afterthought during their teens, the church will be an afterthought for them in adulthood.  Don't believe me?  Check your stats.  It's already happening.

The Middle School students I served in the beginning of my career are now moms and dads in their late twenties and early thirties.  So remember that verse in Matthew 6 about your treasure?  What does your personel and ministry budget communicate about where your heart is church leader?  Are you investing in the next generation?  Do they feel like an obligation or a priority? 

If it's "just Student Ministry" for you today it'll be "just church" for them tomorrow.

I Miss You

My family has been in Georgia for a week and will be there for another week.  I am still in Rock Hill working.

Tonight I made the mistake of watching a sappy movie, by myself, late at night.  And now…. I miss you.  

I miss you my sweet, beautiful, funny wife.

I miss you my talented, dazzling, life devouring daughter.

I miss you my curious, intelligent, gorgeous younger daughter.

I miss you my precotious, handsome, strong son.

And…

I miss you too. 

My family…

Each of you. 

I love and miss all of you.

Surrender

Surrender is a word that upon hearing it, immediately conjures images in your mind.  As an American, these images are usually in reference to battle or competition.  This of course then shades the idea of surrender with a hue of negativity. 

However, as a disciple of Jesus, surrender has an entirely different feeling.  It is a constant state of living, along with moments of intensity.  The disciple has surrendered everything at all times for the glory of God, but there are times in which God provides an opportunity to experience a deeper intimacy through surrender.  These moments are most often life decisions.  

"Will I stand strong against temptation?"

"Will I honor Him with my purity?"

"Where will I work?"

"Who will I marry?"

For most of my life I've had a great peace about my future and God's plan.  I surrendered to full-time ministry while in high school.  From that point on, God has revealed His plan step by step with reasonably managable stress levels for me.  Until 2007.

In 2007 I had to make a very difficult decision that, until a few days ago, I still wondered if my discernment was wrong.  Over the last five and a half years I have had countless conversations and mentor counseling discussions about what God might be doing in my heart and life.  It's been full of confusing events and painful circumstances.  

This season of "blindness" came to an end Wednesday night, June 19, 2013.  As I sat with our students and leaders at Student Life Camp in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, God opened my eyes to understand what He has planned for me.  David Platt finished his message and we began to respond to God through singing.  I knelt down with my head in my hands and began to weep.  

God was calling me to surrender.

For at least two songs I prayed through my tears and after five minutes or so, I was finally able to pray "Your will be done."

While I don't yet know the specifics or timing God has planned, I know His purpose for me.  And for at least the immediate future, I am only sharing what this purpose is with my wife and closest counsel. 

I share all this not to tell you what God has planned for me, but to encourage you to surrender.  Surrender first, your life and eternity to a loving Savior who has died for you.  Surrender your desires and hopes to a God who knows what is ultimately best for you and glorifying to Him.  Surrender your relationships to a Comforter who will bring more intimacy than any person you will ever love.  Surrender every individual circumstance and decision to the will of God not because you desire peace but because you want Him most.

Savannah Grace, My Daughter, My Sister

My sweet Savannah Grace,

Moments ago you, your mother and I sat on the couch in our home in Rock Hill, South Carolina and had one of the most important conversations we will ever have.

Your curiousity has frustrated you for years now as you heard stories and watched people respond to God.  My concern has continued to confuse me as a father who also serves as a pastor.  I've always been concerned that your constant exposure to Scripture and church would cause either a watering-down of the powerful truths taught week after week or an aversion to "church stuff" all together.

Tonight as you sheepishly shared your thoughts and your mother and I asked you questions, I believe God opened your heart to the truth of His love and sacrifice for you.  Your sweet words in prayer as you admitted your sin and asked forgiveness brought more joy to my heart than I knew was possible.  

While I still worry about the earnestness of this moment, I can only trust God that He is at work in you.  My prayer tonight is that many decades from now, you'll be celebrating this day, May 23, as the begining of your true life. 

I love you so very much and I could not be more proud of you than I am this night.

Your devoted earthly father and heavenly brother,

Phillip

Your Current Reality (Part 1 of 2)

You've done it.

I've done it.

We're all doing it this time of year.

Reminiscing and evaluating the past.

Anita and I are thirteen and a half years into our journey.  It hasn't been what we expected on either end of the spectrum.  There have been ups we never could have dreamed  along with downs we never saw coming.

Odds are you have a similar story. As a matter of fact, you and I probably have a lot more in common.  Expectations, disappointments, dreams and frustrations.

As I've been considering the last few years and planning for the next, I've had a moment of clarity.  You see, there's this quiet constant undercurrent of unrest in my heart and mind.  This is the source of my drive, confusion, ambition and frustration.  I've never understood or even recognized it's presence until now.

What is it?

This thing inside me, and possibly inside you, is a desire.  A desire to be inspired.  That's what it comes down to for me.

In sports, education, family, friendships, community and work, we're all hoping to be inspired.  

We want a coach, teacher, parent, mentor or boss that inspires us to work harder, dream bigger and make a difference.  When life gets boring or bland it's because we don't feel inspired.  We'll go to conferences, read books, look for new jobs all in hopes of being in a situation that pushes us to be more  or opens our eyes see more than we see today.

Think back on your life.  I'm guessing that your happiest memories have a common element…something or someone at that time was inspiring you.  

If you're frustrated or bored with your current reality, you're probably just in a season without inpiration.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Find a mentor, read a book, start a project.  

Action leads to inspiration, and inspiration can lead to a movement.