Can I be honest for a few minutes? Most of us walk around hoping and praying that the world around us doesn't see "the man behind the curtain." By that I mean that we aren't completely honest with the people in our life or perhaps even ourselves. This doesn't have to imply some dark side in us. I just mean that if you're anything like me, and I'm hoping I'm not alone on this, there is an endless chasm of thoughts, feelings, ideas, imagined scenes, words and dreams that go unsaid everyday. For those of you that know me well I realize you're probably thinking, "You actually filter some of the things you say?!?" Believe it or not, yes.
I've always been a dreamer. I'm a slave to my imagination. I don't sleep well because I've never been able to turn my mind off and when I do sleep I'm captivated by analyzing the actual dreams I had. I walk around in an unusual state of paranoia. A good friend and mentor called me on the carpet one day about this. "I can't manage your paranoia for you." That statement helped me think through a lot of things. However, I don't feel like I manage my paranoia well. I just try not to let my thoughts show at the surface.
The point of this post is to say that I don't have it all figured out. I know I'm not supposed to but as I look back at 2009 I'm forced to evaluate my stewardship of the year God gave me. On an A to F grade scale I'd have to give myself a C at best and probably a D. This is not a "please encourage me" post. I'm simply thinking out loud and trying give myself some accountability for doing better next year.
So how about you? How did you handle 2009? Do you identify at all with my prison of imagination? I really want to get the conversation going on this blog again. If you're still out there readers, what do you think?